She Knew Me Well // Part Two

Please don’t forget me, B

It’s you. It has to be you. God, please, let it be you.

If our time has come to an end in this lifetime, I will find you in the next and we can laugh about how we almost had it figured out.

I wish that every day I could’ve loved you as I did on my best days. I’m sorry the days were so few and far between. You lit my world on fire. You electrified the breath inside my lungs. You made the butterflies in my stomach erupt from my mouth in hopes of saying something swooning. Sometimes it worked, though.

We made each other feel human.

We knew pain — which is why we instantly connected, and that bond only grew deeper as our knowledge of the other expanded. At times it seemed as if we were the only two people left on Earth — as if we were slow dancing through the apocalypse.

My depression seemed to wash away all of my heart's hard work. You knew I loved you, but my demons accosted my emotional stamina and availability. Maybe it was the familiarity with them — the unusual comfort in torture and tolerable pain. I needed you to see how hard I was fighting. I needed to communicate how bad it had gotten. You needed more from me than I had left to give. I needed to love you through it.

My love never ceased…just my ability to manifest it properly.

For so long I was scared to commit to the unknown, and here I am now too scared to walk away with so much unanswered.

You weren’t unknown to me, though. I saw you for who you were and saw everything you offered to this shithole. This world is a better place with you in it, my love. Don’t you ever forget that.

It was hard to tell where I ended and you began. We were inseparable and had seemingly morphed into the same person. We laughed until our insides hurt and yelled until our voice had gone horse. The other was always going to be there in the aftermath of our arguing, it was just a matter of repairing the damage that had been done. It’s possible the damage had been beyond repair.

I can hear it in your voice that your heart can’t handle any more of me.

I heard a long time ago that someone who is hurt will only cause pain to those he loves until the pain is dealt with. I am so sorry you were my person. You deserved the entirety of beauty a forest has to offer. Instead, I was a wildfire that overtook the roots and leaves and life that once called this place home.

My heart is fueled with hope — hope that you will come back to me. It’s a way to deal with the reality that you aren’t coming home ever again. It allows me to find peace, however small, while I attempt to deal with the most anguishing part of losing you:

Losing such a large part myself.

If it’s meant to be, it will. We keep trying to outrun the other, yet find our way back home eventually.

I’ll keep the lights on, darling. Wake me when you get here. I’m just going to rest my eyes…