I love you but I can never tell you

Your presence in my life reminds my soul to breathe. You revert the storms that crash over my head. You secure the path that my faith jeopardizes.

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You don’t know this, but I’ve had feelings for you for years. It was around the time you called me one night to complain about your douchey boyfriend. You were telling me how much you cared about him, and how much you were trying to make things work, but he didn’t seem to care. I saw your heart. I saw your love. I saw you at your purest.

For the longest, I just chalked it up as severe admiration for someone I considered to be my best friend. I saw the best in you and always took your side, so yeah, I was bound to view you in a different light then everyone else. But I found myself caring for you more than I should have. Obviously, being your friend meant that I wanted the very best for you. I thought you were settling every time you started seeing someone new. No one matched up.

Then there was that night where (INSERT NAME HERE) stood you up for the third time and I had had it.

“Look, what he did was dumb. Of course he’s an asshole, but how many times are you going to let yourself be taken for granted before you finally show some damn self respect?”

Ok, so maybe I crossed the line. But I could tell it got through to you because you turned to walk away but then stopped in your tracks.

“You keep telling me to stop settling, but literally EVERY guy is the same. They all want the same thing, they all say the same thing, think the same thing, and end up doing the same thing. I’m not asking for perfect, I just want to matter to someone for once.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just put my arm around you and let you cry it out.

“Why can’t I find someone like you, Jay?”

“Hahaha — I’m too good for you, that’s why!”

We both laughed and I was happy to see you smiling again. You hugged me and got your “waterproof” mascara all down the sleeve of my favorite hoodie. I’m only bringing that up because I didn’t find out until after I went home, and would have felt bad if I brought it up after the rough night you had. But now I can vent it here. So, yeah, you owe me a new hoodie.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said.

“Why can’t I find someone like you, Jay?”

I chuckled to myself while on the way home. But, then I started to think about what we would look like. It was honestly beautiful. I kept trying to find a con, or think of some blaring issue that we would have. I couldn’t. The only slightly negative aspect of us getting into a relationship was that we would be risking our friendship for the possibility of falling in love. I was game. I believed in it. I believed in us. I believed that we could be what each other had been looking for.

It was late. I got home around 1:30. I went inside and texted you that I had made it home, and knocked out. I woke up and felt weird about the thoughts I was having the night before. I felt guilty, like I had done something horribly wrong. That alone was enough for me to push those thoughts and feelings to the side for the next couple of months.

I started to see you in a different light, though. I started to notice how beautiful you were. I noticed how infectious your smile was, and how your nose wrinkled in that weird way right before you started crying from laughing so hard. I noticed how happy I was when I was with you.

You started seeing this guy and understandably we stopped hanging out as much. I tried to check in as often as I could but I could tell that he didn’t like how close we were. I got it, but I hated it.

Out of all the guys you dated, this guy was the least bad. He still didn’t treat you like you deserved, and put his passions ahead of you, but he wasn’t an asshole. He cared about you and that was good enough for me.

About a year passed and I eventually got into a relationship of my own. We tried to make plans to meet up and update each other on what was going on in life, but couldn’t seem to make it work. You called me one night and asked if I was busy. Once I said no, you said “Ok good, cause I’m in your driveway. I need my yoga mat back.”

To be honest, I completely forgot I even had it. You let me borrow it because you had two and we were supposed to start going to yoga on Tuesdays. I blew you off for like a month straight so I wouldn’t have to go with you. I know, that was a dick move. In my defense, you said I wasn’t flexible enough to do it anyways. I blame you.

That entire year I had been fighting with my feelings towards you. I hated myself for being jealous and not being happy to see you happy. I just wanted to be in his place. I felt it deep in my soul that it was something meant to be, but also believed that if it was meant to be, it would have already been. I started seeing this girl in my psych class, and things had gotten pretty serious between you and (INSERT NAME HERE).

I hopped out of bed and threw on some basketball shorts that looked fairly clean.

“I’m glad I wasn’t dying when I called you, or you’d have to live with the fact that I died while waiting for you.”

“Yeah, but at least you’d have your yoga mat.”

We laughed and hugged and you came in to say hi to my cat. We sat down at the table in the kitchen and you told me all about you and (INSERT NAME HERE).

“I honestly am waiting for him to just come out and be like ‘oh, yeah, I’ve been sleeping with your sister for the past 9 months’ or something like that. He’s really good to me, Jay. I wish you guys got along better.”

“We do get along! He just has horrible taste in music…and women.”

Your nose did that thing and then you punched me in the arm.

“Good God Jordan I have NO idea why it took you so long to get a girlfriend. You, sir, are a gentlemen and know how to speak to a lady!”

I just kinda laughed and let the conversation fade out. I didn’t want to talk about your boyfriend, and I didn’t want to talk about my girlfriend. I wanted to talk about you.

Did you ever get your boss fired for that video she posted on Snapchat?

What ever happened to that book you were working on?

Did you ever finish watching Dexter?

Did you ever go see The National while they were in town?

Did you and your mom ever make up after you called your step dad a chode?

Was he still being a chode?!

Will you marry me?

Ok so maybe the last one was a joke. Or maybe not. I don’t know, honestly. I knew that if we ever tried dating, I wouldn’t waste that opportunity.

“Oh, shit — I forgot I was supposed to meet (INSERT NAME HERE) at his parent’s in 20 minutes. I gotta go, Jay. Thanks for not ruining my yoga mat with your knee sweat.”

We said goodbye and you gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said:

“Thank you, Jordan. You are one of the sweetest and caring people I know. You’re my bestfriend.”

And then walked out the backdoor before I could even offer a reaction.

I knew then that what I was feeling was real, and I knew I would hate myself if I went on any longer without telling you how I felt. I knew that even if you totally rejected me our friendship would survive. And honestly, we had drifted so far apart I didn’t think there was much to lose.

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That night I had made up my mind that I was going to tell you how I felt. The next morning I woke up and checked my phone to see I had 14 missed calls from you and three texts all saying “CALL ME ASAPASAP THIS IS CRUCIAL!!”

So I did.

I called you and you didn’t answer. I got on Instagram to make sure nothing crazy happened while I was asleep.

The page loaded and I saw your hand with a ring on it.

Before I could read the caption your contact picture popped up and I answered

“Hey, are you oka — ”

“I’M ENGAGED, JORDAN!!!”

I felt my heart skip a beat and suddenly felt my throat in my stomach.

“JAY! Are you there?”

“Uh, yeah — sorry, I was unplugging my phone. So what happened?!”

You told me how he proposed to you last night while having dinner with his folks.

It took everything in me to sound as happy as I could. We talked for maybe 40 seconds, but it felt like eternity. I felt everything unravel right in front of me and I had absolutely no control over it.

My chance was gone. I’d never be able to tell you how I really felt. I’d have to spend the rest of my life asking myself what would have happened if I told you. I’d spend the rest of my life watching you be with someone else. I’d spend the rest of my life learning to love you in a different way that was most natural to me. I’d spend the rest of my life loving you, and never telling you.