fragmented

i don’t know how it is possible to be the host of so much pain. they said it would pass with time, but it only gets more confusing.

i got this. i got this.

shit-

i, in fact, don’t got this.

my underarms ache as i hold the world up. everybody sure looks happy up there. question: if you cry justin a river in the middle of the woods, when justin isn’t there, does the heartache still hurt? yeah. yeah, it does. those tears that you cry with just you and the memories might hurt the worst, actually. there’s no ulterior motive. i used to cry as a young boy and look in the mirror. i felt real pain, but i also thought i’d be a famous actor in hollywood, so i wanted to work on my cry face. i think i’d make my 7 year old self very proud: i have perfected the cry face.

you wanna hear a joke? a boy falls in love with a girl — they both fall in love with each other actually, and spend three years, 5 months working on life together, ultimately preparing for a wedding — even going to ihop discussing which flowers were she wanted to be littered about the venue…god. i hate sunflowers…and one day, amongst depression and anxiety and angst, the boy suggest to his beloved partner they take a break… he needed to sort his shit out. and that’s what it was — shit. life had gotten too busy for her, as well. this would be the perfect opportunity for her to recoup herself. don’t worry, the punchline is just around the corner. they spent a week going on dates to their favorite date spots, almost rekindling a flame that never went out, but perhaps the temperature had dwindled a bit. sweet memories were made during this week, as well with two pivotal quotes from the lady:

“thank you so much… this has been the best week of my life. i know you love me, i love you so much for that. i can’t imagine being with anyone else, ever, and i never want to.”

a few days pass,

“this whole ‘not seeing each other 23 hours out of the day, 6.5 days out of the week’ thing isn’t working for me. i know myself, and if i don’t get the attention and affection from you, i’ll seek it elsewhere.”

the boy is puzzled, obviously, but dismisses it, after they had gotten through much worse than a lonely week on her end, and they’d been together for nearly 3 and a half years…we’ll be okay.

somehow the conversation led to the girl suggested the boy take some time for himself. “take your time and space you need, call me when you are ready. i love you so much, this is just really hurting me,” she said.

a week passes,

the boy calls his beloved.

the phone rings and his voice becomes shaky with anticipation.

no answer.

she ended up calling back a few minutes later to inform the boy she had been seeing someone else…while they were on a break…from a serious relationship… that was presumably heading into a marriage in the near future…

the boy became fragmented,

there. that’s my punchline. i’ve run out of motivation to be creative any longer for the time being, so until next time;

this is axiom.